okay look, emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy has straight-up wrecked me this year and i’m still picking up the pieces at 2:13 a.m. in my dumb freezing brooklyn apartment while the radiator screams like it pays rent.
how i learned emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy by completely screwing it up
i dated this guy J last winter and holy shit the sex slapped. we barely made it through the door before clothes hit the floor, neighbors 100% filed complaints, zero regrets on that front. but the second i tried to talk about anything that wasn’t “harder” or “pizza?” he ghosted the conversation harder than he ever ghosted me. i told myself i didn’t need the mushy crap. turns out i needed it so bad i ended up crying in my shower because someone finally asked about my childhood and actually waited for the answer.
when the sex bangs but your heart still feels like a ghost town
i’ve had nights where we went three rounds and my body floated on cloud nine while my soul sat in the corner texting “is this all there is?” orgasms don’t cure feeling invisible, news at eleven.
the time emotional intimacy terrified me so much i tried to sabotage it
summer guy—noah—hadn’t even kissed me yet and i dumped my entire daddy-issues trauma in his passenger seat. he just listened. no phone, no “cool story,” just eyes on me like i mattered. i panicked so hard i blurted “can we just make out so i stop feeling everything?” yes i actually said that. emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy? i ran to the physical side for years because letting someone see the real me felt like handing them the detonator to my self-destruct button.
baby steps i’m taking so i stop being a coward
- i say the scary true thing first sometimes instead of the flirty safe thing
- i ask “how are you actually” and shut my mouth when they answer
- i let silence sit there after sex instead of filling it with dumb jokes
- i answer “how was your day” like a human who has feelings (shocker)
- here’s some stuff that helped me stop sucking at this:
- this article on love languages from The Gottman Institute literally changed my brain chemistry → https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-five-love-languages/
- and Esther Perel’s take on desire vs intimacy slaps every single time → https://www.estherperel.com/blog/desire-in-long-term-relationships
you can’t keep choosing one forever, trust me
i still catch myself trying to distract with boobs when the feelings get too big. classic deflection move. but i’m thirty-four and tired and half-intimacy tastes like stale crackers now. emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy isn’t a versus—it’s a package deal. when someone finally sees all your jagged edges and still pulls you close like you’re precious? that’s the good shit. that’s the whole damn bakery.
anyway i gotta go text “i miss you” without following it with nudes as emotional armor. send help.
so tell me—where are you at with emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy right now? still hiding behind the physical? scared of the emotional? both? neither? drop it in the comments, i read every single one and we’re all just messy humans here.
