Okay, real talk, dating app algorithms are the reason I’m sitting here in my sweaty Brooklyn apartment at 2 a.m. eating cold leftover dumplings and staring at the same six dudes for the third month in a row. Like, I swear to God the Tinder algorithm has me in some kind of mid-tier purgatory where it only serves me nothing but finance bros who list “6’2” because apparently that matters” in their bio. I’m not even mad anymore, I’m just… exhausted.
Why Dating App Algorithms Feel Like They Personally Hate Me
Every swipe feeds the monster. Last summer I went on a manic swiping spree while avoiding a deadline and accidentally liked 47 guys whose entire personality was “I own a Yeti cooler.” Boom — next thing I know my entire feed is Patagonia vests and mirror selfies in Tesla Model 3s. The dating app algorithms decided that’s my type now. Cool cool cool.
The ELO Score That’s Definitely Still Real (Fight Me)
Tinder used to straight-up admit they ranked you with a secret desirability score based on the old chess ELO system. They swore in 2019 they got rid of it (source: Tinder’s official blog post), but come on. I tested it. Made a burner account with my friend Maya’s photos (she’s stupid hot, zero offense to me) and it got 400+ likes in a day. My real account? Crickets. Same city, same prompts. The math is not mathing unless that hidden ranking is still very much alive.
Here, I’ll even give you the receipts so you know I’m not fully delusional:
- Tinder’s 2019 blog post claiming they ditched ELO → https://blog.gotinder.com/lets-talk-about-ranking/
- The Verge’s breakdown of how the patent still works exactly like ELO → https://www.theverge.com/2019/3/15/18267772/tinder-elo-score-desirability-algorithm-how-works
- Hinge openly admitting they prioritize “most compatible” using the Gale-Shapley algorithm (yes, the Nobel-prize marriage one) → https://hinge.co/the-latest/we-asked-our-data-scientist-to-explain-most-compatible
The Most Soul-Crushing Moment My Dating App Algorithm Ever Served Me
Matched with this dreamy guitarist who had a rescue pitbull and actually funny prompt answers. Texted non-stop for nine days. Then radio silence. Three weeks later I’m in Manhattan for work, open Hinge… and he’s the very first profile. Same guy. The app literally geographically blocked us from matching in Brooklyn. I felt like I got dumped by code.
Shit I’ve Actually Tried to Game the Dating App Algorithms (Results: Mildly Pathetic)
- Deleted and remade accounts every 89 days (the rumored reset window)
- Only swiped right between 6-8 p.m. on Sundays because some Reddit bro said ratio is best then
- Uploaded zero photos for 24 hours to “confuse” it (just became invisible)
- Paid for one month of Tinder Platinum just to see my “Top Picks” — they were the same dudes I’d already left-swiped 400 times
The only thing that kinda works? Acting like a normal human: consistent log-ins, answering new prompts, and — this one hurts — being pickier with right swipes.
Anyway, I’m gonna go touch some grass now. Or at least open my blinds and scare the pigeons.
If you’re also rotting in dating-app-algorithm hell, tell me your worst recycled-profile story below. I need to know I’m not alone.
