Okay, real talk—I’m writing this from my couch in Brooklyn, 3:47 a.m., wrapped in the same hoodie I’ve worn for four days straight, eating cereal with a fork because all the spoons are dirty. And yeah, I’m in a situationship. There, I said it. The word tastes like stale LaCroix and regret.
The First Situationship Sign: You Have a Nickname for Him in Your Phone That’s Not His Actual Name
Mine currently says “don’t text him you’re drunk 🍷🤡”. That’s not healthy, besties. If your thumb hovers over the message button and you have to talk yourself out of it like it’s a felony, congrats, welcome to the situationship hall of fame.
Why “What Are We?” Feels Like Asking Someone to Venmo You Rent Money
I tried once. We were on his couch (classic situationship venue), some Netflix show neither of us was watching, and I went for it. The silence after was so loud I heard his roommate’s AirPods case close in the next room. He hit me with the “I’m just not looking for labels right now” and then immediately asked if I wanted to get pancakes at 1 a.m. Mixed signals? Babe, this man was a whole DJ set.
Other Dead Giveaways You’re Stuck in Situationship Hell
- He only hits you up after 10 p.m. but somehow remembers your coffee order
- You’ve met his dog but not his mom (the dog has separation anxiety, apparently his mom does too??)
- Y’all have inside jokes and a shared Spotify playlist but he still says “my friend” when he talks about you to other people
- You’ve had the “I’m not seeing anyone else” talk but it came with 47 asterisks and a PowerPoint of exceptions
The Situationship Time Warp (How Three Months Feels Like Three Years)
I swear I aged a decade in this situationship. One minute we’re “just chilling,” next thing I know I’m analyzing if him liking my Instagram story from 47 weeks ago means he misses me. (Spoiler: it doesn’t. He was just bored on the toilet.)
Why Leaving a Situationship Feels Impossible Even When You Know It’s Trash
Because the little crumbs of affection hit your brain like crack. That one time he called me “baby” unironically? I rode that high for eleven business days. Straight-up emotional gambling, and I’m the degenerate at the slot machine yelling “one more pull!”
How I’m (Trying) to Crawl Out of This Situationship (Updates TBD)
- Deleted our chat from my favorites (crying, shaking, throwing up)
- Stopped leaving my toothbrush at his place (it was basically paying rent anyway)
- Started saying “I’m dating myself” unironically and meaning it (therapy is expensive but delusions are free)
Look, I don’t have the answers. I’m still the girl refreshing her phone at stoplights hoping he finally sends something that isn’t a Snapchat memory notification. But if you’re reading this while overanalyzing a “haha miss u” text… maybe we’re both in a situationship and maybe it’s time we choose peace over plot twists.
Anyway, if you’re stuck in a situationship too, drop your most unhinged story in the replies. Misery loves company and screenshots.
(And if you’re the guy who “doesn’t do labels” reading this… no I’m not subtweeting you, but also yes I absolutely am.)
External links for people who want actual professional help (unlikec:
Alright I’m gonna go touch grass now. Or at least open a window. Love y’all (platonically, no ambiguity here). 💙
