How to build trust again after a major relationship betrayal—god, I’m typing this while my Keurig is gurgling like it’s personally offended by my life choices. Brooklyn’s freezing, radiator’s clanking out Morse code for “get it together,” and I’m over here wearing the same hoodie three days running because laundry feels like climbing Kilimanjaro. Six months since I found those DMs (yeah, the sliding-into kind that make you question if love is just elaborate gaslighting), and I’m still figuring out how to build trust again after a major relationship betrayal without turning into a full-time detective.
Rebuilding Trust After Cheating: My Dumbass Mistakes First
Let’s start with the cringe. I installed Life360 on both our phones like some helicopter parent. They went to Duane Reade for deodorant and I’m refreshing the app every 30 seconds like “ARE THEY BUYING CONDOMS?!” Spoiler: they were buying my specific brand of oat milk creamer because they noticed I was out. The betrayal paranoia had me acting unwise, as the kids say.
I also did this thing where I’d “casually” bring up their ex in conversation to watch their micro-expressions. Like:
Me: “Sooo remember Jessica?” Them: “Who?” Me (internally): LIARRRRR
Turns out Jessica was their cousin they hadn’t mentioned in years. Smooth, me. Real smooth.
Healing Relationship Betrayal Without Losing Your Actual Mind
Therapy helped but damn, the copays. Found this Indian therapist in Jackson Heights (shoutout Dr. Patel for not judging my chaotic Google Doc of “evidence”). She made me do this exercise where I talk to my 25-year-old self who thought love meant never checking phones. Current me wanted to slap past me upside the head.
The real game-changer? We started “truth tacos” every Tuesday. Cheap tacos from the truck on Myrtle, no phones, and we each get to ask one nuclear question. Last week mine was “Do you still think about her when we’re intimate?” Their answer made me throw up my al pastor but… honesty, I guess?
Trust Recovery Real Talk: The Boring Shit That Works
Everyone wants dramatic gestures but nah. Here’s what actually moved the needle for rebuilding trust after cheating:
- The Screenshot Folder – They made a folder called “Proof I’m Not Shady” with location history, cleared browser tabs, all that. I felt gross asking but… I needed it.
- Separate Netflix Profiles – Petty? Yes. But no more “recommended for you” showing their ex’s favorite true crime docs.
- The 3 AM Pass – If I’m spiraling at 3 AM, I text myself in Notes app instead of blowing up their phone. Saved us like 47 fights.
- Couples Yoga But Make It Traumatized – We tried. I cried during child’s pose. 10/10 would not recommend but we laughed about it later.
Sometimes I still sleep with my phone under my pillow like a security blanket. How to build trust again after a major relationship betrayal when your nervous system thinks every notification is a bomb?
Mending Trust Messily: Progress Looks Like Trash Sometimes
We’re not Instagram couples. Our “date nights” are splitting sesame chicken on the fire escape because restaurants feel too exposed. But last Thursday they came home with those weird blue flowers from the bodega guy who calls everyone “boss.” Not roses. Not an apology. Just… flowers. I put them in the chipped mug from our first apartment. The one with the crack that looks like lightning.
I gained weight. They started biting their nails. We’re both in individual therapy. Sometimes we have sex and I cry after. Sometimes we don’t speak for 12 hours. This is healing relationship betrayal—it’s not linear, it’s not pretty, it’s not a TikTok transition.
The rubber band on my mug handle? I put it there the day I almost left. It’s stretched thin now. Might snap any day. But it’s still holding.
I’m not fixed. They’re not fixed. But we’re… here. Eating cold lo mein at 1 AM arguing about whose turn it is to kill the cockroach. Domestic bliss, betrayal edition.
If you’re reading this while hiding in your car eating gas station sushi because home feels like a crime scene—I’ve been there. The scale doesn’t lie, neither does the heartburn.
Spill your guts: What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve done while rebuilding trust after betrayal? Comments are open, judgment is closed. And if my messy journey helped you not delete their number at 3 AM, screenshot this disaster and send it to your group chat.
(References: This Psychology Today piece on trust violation, Gottman’s actual research on affair recovery, [some Reddit threads I doom-scrolled at 4 AM])
