Here we go…
Online dating red flags are literally screaming in my face right now and I’m still staring at my phone like an idiot at 2:14 a.m. in my extremely sad studio apartment in Bushwick, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box because the milk went bad again. The glow from Hinge is the only light in here besides the streetlamp bleeding through the blinds, and I swear my last match just love-bombed me so hard I got emotional whiplash. Anyway.
The “Good Morning Beautiful” at 6 AM Every Day Online Dating Red Flag
Dude. If someone I’ve known for nine days is already texting “good morning beautiful” before I’ve even had coffee, my body physically rejects it. Happened with this finance bro from Tribeca—woke up to 47 messages, voice notes, playlists, “just thinking about you” memes. By day twelve he was mad I didn’t answer for four hours because I was, idk, at work?? That’s the lovebombing online dating red flag that feels like fireworks until the bomb actually goes off.
The Profile That’s Just Gym Mirrors and Dead Fish
I once matched with a guy whose entire Hinge was shirtless mirror pics and him holding fish the size of my torso. Like, congratulations on the biceps and the… trout? We met up, he spent the whole date talking about “alpha mindsets” and how girls who order cocktails instead of tequila shots are high maintenance. Left after one drink, blocked him, still think about that poor fish.
They Only Message After Midnight
If our entire conversation lives between 11 p.m. and 3 a.m., that’s not mystery—that’s a booty-call schedule. I fell for the “I’m just a night owl” line so many times. One guy literally only answered when bars closed. Shocker: he had a whole girlfriend in Queens. Classic late-night-only online dating red flag.
Tiny Sub-rant: The “I Hate Drama” Bio
Every time I see “I hate drama” in a dude’s prompt I hear funeral bells. Translation: I create chaos and then blame everyone else for reacting to it. Dated one who said that—turned out he was still living with his ex “as roommates” and crying in my bathtub at 4 a.m. because she changed the Netflix password.
Future-Talk on Date Two
If we’re on our second margarita and you’re already naming our future dogs and planning where we’ll spend Christmas 2027, pump the brakes, buddy. I did this dance with a musician from Williamsburg who by date three had a Google Doc of baby names. We broke up because I “wasn’t ready for something serious.” Sir, I met you seventeen days ago.
The Slow-Fade Ghost Who Reappears Every Six Months
“Oh hey stranger” in my DMs like clockwork. I’m everybody’s favorite backup plan. Last one popped up in June after vanishing in January, acting like no time had passed. I left him on read so hard my thumb cramped.
Look, I’m not proud of how long I ignored these online dating red flags. I wanted so badly to be chill, to be the cool girl who “gets it,” that I let absolute goblins waltz right in. Now I’m 32, surrounded by empty La Croix cans and the faint smell of regret, finally admitting the truth.
So Here’s My Very Messy List of Online Dating Red Flags I’ll Never Ignore Again
- Lovebombing disguised as enthusiasm
- Inconsistent effort that somehow always makes YOU feel crazy
- Profiles that scream “I have never done laundry”
- “I’m bad at texting” (translation: I text five other people better)
- Talking about an ex more than logistics of the actual date
- Immediate sexual comments wrapped in “compliments”
- Refusing to make concrete plans but getting mad when you do things without them
If even one of these is waving at you, run. Or at least side-eye it hard and text your group chat the screenshots.
I’m still single, still swiping sometimes at 2 a.m. like a degenerate, but at least now I close the app when the red flags start doing jazz hands. Progress, I guess.
What online dating red flag have you ignored that still haunts you? Drop it in the comments—I need to know I’m not the only clown in this circus.
P.S. If you relate to any of this chaos, share it with your situationship. See how fast they block you. That’s a red flag too 😉
(External links for the algo gods:
