Unexpressed emotions are legit killing me slowly, and I’m only realizing it at 34 while sitting in my messy apartment in Columbus, Ohio, eating cold leftover Skyline Chili straight from the container at 1:17 a.m. because I still can’t sleep.
Like, I’ve always been the “chill” one. The friend who says “it’s fine” when it’s absolutely not fine. The girlfriend who smiles while dying inside. I grew up in the Midwest; we’re professionally good at swallowing feelings until we choke on them. And let me tell you, that silent rage that builds up when you keep stuffing unexpressed emotions? It’s a sneaky little serial killer.
How My Unexpressed Emotions Literally Made Me Sick
Two years ago I got these random chest pains. Thought I was having a heart attack at 32, super fun. Went to the ER, everything “fine.” Doctor straight-up asked, “Are you under a lot of stress you’re not talking about?” and I laughed; actually laughed; while my unexpressed emotions were literally trying to murder me from the inside.
Turns out years of biting my tongue at toxic jobs, smiling through family Thanksgivings where politics made me want to scream, and never telling exes how actually hurt I was… it all lives in your body. My shoulders are permanently up by my ears. I grind my teeth so hard I cracked a molar last year. Sexy, right?
The Silent Rage Explosion Nobody Saw Coming
The worst part? When unexpressed emotions finally snap, it’s ugly. I lost my absolute shit at a Target in Polaris last month. Some lady cut me in line with a cart full of Christmas crap and I just… detonated. Like full Karen-but-make-it-trauma-response. Started shaking, voice cracking, tears streaming while yelling about respect. Everyone staring. I left my cart and cried in the parking lot for 45 minutes.
And the craziest part? I wasn’t even mad about the line. I was mad about every single time in my life I said “it’s okay” when it wasn’t. Thirty-four years of swallowed words came out in the Target checkout over a $12 candle. Wild.
What Actually Happens When You Keep Suppressing Feelings (Science Stuff, Sorry)
Apparently there’s real research on this:
- Chronic emotional repression is linked to higher cortisol, inflammation, even cancer risk (source: American Psychological Association study)
- People who suppress emotions have weaker immune systems (thanks, UCLA research)
- It literally changes your brain chemistry over time
I read that at 3 a.m. and ugly-cried into my pillow because yep, that’s me.
My Extremely Messy Attempts at Fixing This
So I’ve been trying; very badly; to stop bottling everything. Current strategies that sometimes work:
- Texting myself voice memos when I want to scream at someone (my notes app is a war zone)
- Writing letters I never send and then burning them on fire in my sink (don’t try this drunk)
- Saying “I’m actually not okay” out loud to my cat because humans are scary
- Therapy, obviously, but I still ghost my therapist sometimes because feelings
It’s ugly and imperfect and I still have days where the silent rage wins. But I just shut down completely.
So… What Now?
I don’t have a pretty bow for this. My unexpressed emotions still try to strangle me most days. But I’m learning; slowly, painfully; that letting even 10% of it out is better than 0%.
If you’re reading this and your chest feels tight and you can’t remember the last time you cried… maybe try saying one true thing today. Just one. Text it, whisper it, write it on a napkin and burn it; whatever.
Because this silent rage? It’s patient. It’ll wait decades if you let it.
Anyway. I’m gonna go heat up this chili now and maybe text my mom that her comment last week actually really hurt. Or maybe I’ll just stare at the microwave for twenty minutes first. Baby steps.
