Why I Keep Staying Attached to Someone Who Hurts You (and yeah you do it too)
okay it’s 2:11 am and i’m cross-legged on my kitchen floor in columbus ohio demolishing cold crunchy tacos straight from the bag because HE just slid in with the “hey stranger” text and my idiot heart still does cartwheels. being attached to someone who hurts you is literally the dumbest talent i never asked for.
i KNOW he sucks. my bestie straight-up renamed him “human landfill” in my contacts. but those three gray dots appear and poof—dignity gone.
## That Time I Opened the Door (Again)
summer 2023 he ghosted me for 19 whole days—i counted like a psycho. then he rolled up at 1am holding a gas-station slushie and that crooked grin and i let him crash on my couch. i even handed him a blanket. the slushie spilled and turned my couch blue for months. i called it art.
## Trauma Bonds Hit Different When They’re Yours
i googled “why do i want someone who treats me like garbage” so many times google probably reported me. turns out intermittent reinforcement turns your brain into a vegas slot machine (psychologists call it the strongest schedule of reinforcement there is). he ignores me for days, then drops one decent paragraph and i light up like times square.
here’s a solid article that explained it better than my 3am spiral ever could: → Intermittent Reinforcement: Why You Can’t Leave the Relationship – Psychology Today
- one sweet text → i ignore 47 red flags
- one “miss u” → i forget he called me clingy last tuesday
- my standards apparently left the country
## Chaos Felt Like Home (gross i know)
here’s the part that makes me wanna swan-dive into lake erie: his chaos felt cozy. growing up my house ran on eggshells and yelling, so when he flipped from “i love you” to ice-cold silent treatment my nervous system went “ah yes, the classics”
that’s a trauma bond, btw. not love. here’s the difference if you wanna feel worse tonight: → Trauma Bonding: What It Is and How to Break Free – The Hotline
## What’s Actually Working (kinda)
therapy helps. blocking him for 11 days straight (personal record) helped more. but the real game-changer? i started saying out loud every morning: “i keep choosing to stay attached to someone who hurts me and i can choose different.” sounded fake at first. now it sounds… possible?
anyway real talk
if you’re attached to someone who hurts you right now, you’re not stupid or broken or whatever your 3am brain says. you’re just wired weird and healing looks like a toddler drew it with crayons.
i still know his number by heart (don’t judge me) but i didn’t reply tonight so that counts for something right?
eat the cold tacos. delete the paragraph you typed but didn’t send. cry if you gotta. tomorrow we try again or next week or whenever we’re brave enough
you deserve someone whose name doesn’t make your chest tight. i deserve that too. still practicing believing it but the rose finally hit the water instead of collecting dust on my shelf
(night internet friends. if you’re reading this at 3am eating leftovers off the floor… solidarity fist-bump)
