Guilt vs shame is honestly the background noise of my entire adult life and I’m writing this at 2:17 am because I just had another one of those nights where shame won. Again. My apartment smells like cold pizza and regret, the streetlight outside is doing that flickering thing it does when it’s about to die, and yeah that feels poetic right now.
The Difference Nobody Explained Until I Was Already Broken
So apparently guilt is “I did something bad” and shame is “I am bad.” Cool cool cool, wish someone had told 22-year-old me before I spent a literal decade thinking I was human garbage because of normal human mistakes.
Example that still makes me wanna crawl under my bed: two years ago I lied to my best friend about why I couldn’t make her birthday thing (truth: I was having a depressive episode and couldn’t get out of bed). Guilt made me send the most pathetic “I’m sorry” voice note known to man. Shame made me convinced she secretly hates me now and I’m too toxic to have friends. She literally doesn’t even remember. That’s how shame do.
That One Time Guilt vs Shame Actually Almost Ended Me (No Cap)
2023 was… a year. Lost my job, got dumped, found out my dad was sick, the whole disaster bingo card. One night I got drunk and texted my ex some truly unhinged shit. Woke up to the screenshots. The guilt was intense but manageable—like I knew I’d crossed a line and needed to own it. The shame though? Shame told me I was irredeemable, that everyone would be better off if I just wasn’t here. Spent three days in bed convinced I was the worst person alive. Turns out that’s textbook toxic shame doing its thing.
Shit That Kinda Helps When Guilt vs Shame Gang Up On Me
These are literally scratched into my phone notes app because I forget when I’m spiraling:
- Say the thing out loud to another human (yes even the cringiest part). 9/10 times they go “dude same”
- Write the shame thought down and then write what I’d tell my 12-year-old self if she did the same thing. Instant tears but it works
- Remember that feelings aren’t facts (my therapist says this so much I wanna scream but she’s right)
- Sometimes I just say “fuck you shame” out loud in my car. Very mature. Very effective.
Still fail constantly. Ate three donuts yesterday and shame tried to tell me I’m disgusting and undisciplined. I believed it for like four hours until I remembered I’m allowed to eat donuts?? Wild concept.
So Is There Even a Winner in This Guilt vs Shame Bullshit?
Healthy guilt = useful. It’s like emotional heartburn—annoying but tells you something’s wrong. Shame = straight-up poison that convinces you you’re the problem instead of the behavior. I’m trying to keep the heartburn and evict the poison. Some weeks I manage. Most weeks I’m still negotiating with terrorists (my brain).
Anyway I’m rambling and my coffee’s gone cold again and the shame is whispering that this entire post is cringe and nobody’s gonna read it. Whatever. If even one person feels less alone in their guilt vs shame dumpster fire then I win.
Drop your worst shame spiral story below, I’ll read every single one at 3am when mine shows up again. We’re all just messy humans doing our best (or our mediumest).
(Also Brené Brown’s work on this literally saved my life, start with Daring Greatly if you’re new to this whole thing. No I don’t get paid to say that I just love her)
