Exploring kinks safely is literally the only reason my partner and I didn’t accidentally break up over a $12 blindfold from Amazon last year. I’m sitting here in my sweaty Brooklyn apartment right now, December 2025, window cracked because the radiator is drunk again, and I still get second-hand embarrassment remembering the first time we tried anything spicier than missionary with the lights off.
Like, picture this: it’s 2023, we’re both 30-something, been together eight years, sex had gotten… polite? And one random Tuesday I’m doom-scrolling Reddit at 2 a.m. (classic) and I stumble into r/BDSMcommunity. Suddenly I’m spiraling, heart racing, whispering “oh no I think I’m into… stuff.” Next thing I know I’ve ordered fuzzy cuffs, a feather tickler, and something called a “Wartenberg wheel” because it looked cool in the product photo. Zero research. Peak American consumer energy.
How Exploring Kinks Safely Almost Ended Us (Night One Disaster)
We’re both giggling like idiots, I put the blindfold on him, feelin’ all Dom/me for exactly three seconds until the cheap elastic snaps and slingshots into his eyeball. He yelps, I panic-scream “RED! RED! IS RED THE WORD?”, we’re both naked and flailing, and somehow the cat walks in judging us. Ten out of ten, do not recommend starting with gear you bought while tipsy on White Claw.
Lesson learned the hard way: exploring kinks safely means talking about it sober, clothed, and preferably over tacos first.
Actual Tips That Saved My Relationship (You’re Welcome)
- Start stupid simple. We literally began with “can I bite your shoulder a little harder?” No toys, no outfits, no $80 Etsy harnesses. Just words and tiny experiments.
- Use the traffic light system but make it dumb and personal. Our safe word is “pineapple” because we both hate it. Works every time.
- Google “BDSM checklist” together (there’s a famous one by Cephalopod on Google Docs). We filled it out side by side on the couch eating cold pizza and laughed until we cried at some of the options.
- Aftercare is non-negotiable. For us that’s cuddling, watching Bob’s Burgers, and me making him grilled cheese because apparently spanking makes him turns me into a 1950s housewife.
The Time Exploring Kinks Safely Made Me Cry in Target
True story: we’re in the home goods aisle looking for “normal” candles, but now every candle means potential wax play, and I’m standing there holding a $4 eucalyptus one having a full existential crisis like “am I allowed to buy this for scent anymore??” I hid behind the throw pillows. My partner found me wheezing. We still call it the Great Target Meltdown of 2024.
My point? Your brain is gonna do weird gymnastics when you start exploring kinks safely. That’s normal. That’s human.
Real Resources I Actually Used (Not Affiliate Links, Just Gratitude)
- The New Topping/Bottoming Books by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy – life-changing, zero judgment
- BDSM Checklist by Cephalopod – free, printable, hilarious
- Kink Academy – paid but has actual educators, not just porn stars giving advice
Final Ramble From Someone Who Still Blushes
Exploring kinks safely isn’t about turning into Christian Grey or Ana-whatever. It’s about laughing when the lube bottle makes a fart noise, it’s about checking in the next morning with “you good? hips okay?”, it’s about realizing your partner trusting you with their weirdest fantasies is the hottest thing imaginable.
So yeah. If you’re sitting there in your own overheating apartment, heart pounding because you just typed “how to try spanking” into Google, welcome. You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you’ve got this, just maybe don’t start with the $12 blindfold.
Now go talk to your person. I’ll be over here stress-eating leftover pizza and waiting for the radiator to explode.
