Okay, real talk: what men and women secretly want in bed hit me like a freight train last Thursday at 2 a.m. while I was eating cold pizza in my boxers on this exact couch in Astoria, Queens, staring at the ceiling fan going way too fast because I forgot to fix the pull-chain again. Like, I’m 34, been around the block, thought I had this sex thing figured out, but nahhh. Turns out half the shit we’re all chasing between the sheets we’re terrified to ask for because we don’t wanna look needy or weird or whatever.
The Biggest Lie We All Tell Ourselves About What Men and Women Secretly Want in Bed
We pretend it’s all about the orgasm count. Bro, please. I’ve had nights where I came twice and still felt hollow, and I’ve had nights where nobody finished and I floated home grinning like an idiot. The real secret? Most of us just want to feel completely fucking seen without having our weird little quirks treated like they’re normal, hot even.
Take me, for example. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but what men and women secretly want in bed (well, at least this man) is to be lightly choked while someone whispers absolute filth about how pathetic and pretty I look. Took me until 31 to say that out loud. First time a girl did it? I almost cried from relief. Meanwhile she later confessed she’s been dying for someone to pull her hair hard enough to make her scalp sting for YEARS but was scared guys would think she’s “too much.”
Women Usually Want You to Ruin the Mood… On Purpose
Here’s the tea nobody says: a shocking number of women I’ve dated (and yeah, I asked a lot of friends too) secretly want you to make them laugh right in the middle of sex. Like full-on giggle-snort. Because it kills the performance anxiety. My ex, Sarah, used to beg me to do the goofy Chris Pratt raptor impression from Jurassic World while I went down on her. Sounds insane, works like magic. Suddenly she’s relaxed enough to actually come instead of doing the polite “I’m fine” fake-moan routine.
Men Want to Be the Little Spoon and Told They’re Doing a Good Job (Shocker)
I swear on my PS5, the fastest way to make a dude lose his mind in bed is to scratch his scalp and whisper “you’re such a good boy” when he’s inside you. I thought that was just me being a weirdo until half my group chat admitted the same thing after four beers. We grow up being told vulnerability = weakness, so when a woman creates a safe little bubble where we can melt? Game over. I legit teared up once. 34 years old. Crying because someone called me “proud of you” mid-thrust. America, we are not okay lol.
Random Shit I’ve Learned the Hard Way About What Men and Women Secretly Want in Bed:
- Most women want you to leave the socks on sometimes. Don’t ask why, just accept it.
- A lot of dudes want their nipples played with way more than they’ll ever admit (start gentle, you monsters).
- Everyone wants way more kissing than we’re getting. Like teenager-making-out-in-the-movie-theater levels of kissing.
- Saying “I love the way you smell right now” is apparently sexual napalm. Who knew?
Look, I’m just a slightly hungover dude in sweatpants drinking yesterday’s coffee, but if there’s one thing I know for sure about what men and women secretly want in bed it’s that we all just wanna feel safe enough to be our whole ridiculous, horny, needy, human selves.
So next time you’re in bed with someone, maybe just… ask the scary question. Worst case, you both laugh and order Thai food. Best case, you unlock a whole new level you didn’t know existed.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a red sock to find and a text to send that I’ve been staring at for 20 minutes.
Drop your own dirty little secret in the comments (anonymously, I gotchu) or just tell your partner tonight. Trust me, they’re probably dying to hear it.
(References for the skeptics:
