Okay, AI matchmaking has officially wrecked me in the best and worst ways possible, and I’m writing this at 2:17 a.m. in my apartment in Austin because I just matched with a guy who lists “ethical taxidermy” as a hobby and apparently the algorithm thinks we’re 98% compatible.
How I Accidentally Turned My Love Life Over to AI Matchmaking
So here’s the thing: I was eating a late-night quesadilla from Torchy’s—extra Diablo sauce, don’t judge—scrolling like a zombie, when I saw this new feature on Hinge that’s like “Most Compatible – Powered by AI.” And I’m sitting there, grease on my fingers, thinking, “Sure, why not let the robots do better than my drunk 2019 decisions?”
I said yes to every single AI matchmaking suggestion for three straight months. No swiping left. No “eh, his vibe feels off.” Just pure algorithmic surrender.
The First AI Matchmaking Win That Freaked Me Out
Week two, the algorithm sends me Sarah. 99% match. We meet at a coffee shop on South Congress and she literally finishes my sentences. Like, I’m mid-rant about how Whataburger spicy ketchup is underrated and she just goes “—because it’s basically fancy sriracha with nostalgia?” I almost dropped my iced coffee. That night I texted my best friend: “Either this AI matchmaking thing is witchcraft or I’ve been predictable my whole life.”
When AI Matchmaking Face-Planted Spectacularly
Then came Derek. The app said 97%. Derek showed up wearing socks with sandals. Not even cute Birkenstocks—actual white athletic socks with Tevas. In December. The AI never saw that coming, apparently. We spent two hours talking about his World of Warcraft guild and I nodded so much my neck still hurts. Hard pivot from soulmate to “never let me ignore my gut again.”
What I Actually Learned About AI Matchmaking (The Non-Cringe Version)
Look, the algorithms are scary good at surface-level patterns. They know I like girls who quote The Office, guys who own plants, and non-binary humans who post hiking pics with their dogs. But they can’t smell desperation, or lack thereof. They don’t know that I laugh too loud when I’m nervous, or that I once cried because a Whataburger was out of honey butter chicken biscuits.
The AI matchmaking got me more quality first dates in three months than I had in the previous two years. That’s facts. But “soulmate”? Nah. Soulmates need the messy offline data—how someone reacts when you’re ugly-crying in an H-E-B parking lot at 9 p.m. because you forgot to buy toilet paper again.
My Half-Baked Tips If You’re Dumb Enough to Try AI Matchmaking Like I Did
- Turn on every “most compatible” feature across all apps. Yes, even Facebook Dating. Live dangerously.
- Still trust your gut on date two. The algorithm doesn’t have to live with the consequences.
- Take screenshots of the wild ones. Future you will need proof this happened.
- Maybe don’t eat a full Torchy’s trashy quesadilla right before a date. Learned that one the hard way.
Anyway. I turned off all the AI matchmaking features last week and immediately matched with someone who spells “you’re” wrong in their bio and I… kinda wanna message them? Maybe the robots broke me. Or fixed me. Who knows anymore.
If you’re lonely and bored in this garbage fire of a timeline, try AI matchmaking for a month. Worst case, you get stories. Best case… maybe the algorithm actually knows something we don’t.
Either way, I’m going to bed. My phone just buzzed with another 99% match and I’m scared to look.
Here are some solid, natural-feeling outbound links:
- Right after “Most Compatible – Powered by AI” in the first section: https://hinge.co/2019/09/19/most-compatible/)
- After the Whataburger spicy ketchup rant with Sarah: https://www.texasmonthly.com/food/whataburger-spicy-ketchup/)
