By Sonali Kukreja
In many relationships, it’s common to see one person take on the role of the “fixer” while the other is more of a “listener.” This dynamic can work well, but it can also lead to frustration if both partners don’t understand each other’s approach or communicate their expectations.
A Fixer is someone who jumps into solution mode the moment they hear a problem. If their partner comes home and says, “I had such a stressful day at work,” a fixer might respond with, “Why don’t you talk to your management? Or maybe you should update your resume and find a new job.” They see fixing as the best way to help.
A Listener, on the other hand, responds differently. If their partner says, “I had such a stressful day at work,” they might say, “That sounds really tough. Tell me more about it.” They focus on empathy and emotional connection rather than offering solutions.
Psychology behind Fixers
Many fixers grew up in environments where they had to be responsible for solving problems, whether in their family or personal lives. They may have been the “strong one” who managed crises, looked after siblings, or helped keep the household running smoothly.
Fixers often feel uncomfortable with uncertainty or emotional distress. Solving problems quickly gives them a sense of control and stability.
Some people are raised to believe that love is shown through action rather than emotional support. They feel that offering solutions is the best way to show they care.
Fixers may struggle with sitting in uncomfortable emotions, either their own or their partner’s. Instead of allowing difficult feelings to exist, they try to make them go away as fast as possible by jumping into problem-solving mode.
Fixers may derive a sense of self-worth from being needed. If they can solve their partner’s problems, they feel useful and valuable in the relationship.
Psychology behind Listeners
They might have learned early on that paying attention to moods, tone, and unspoken emotions helped maintain peace in their household.
Listeners are often more comfortable sitting with emotions, both their own and their partner’s. They understand that expressing feelings is a process, not just a problem to be solved.
To them, being heard and understood is just as important as finding a solution.
They believe that problems are best navigated through dialogue rather than immediate action.
And, in some cases, listeners may have learned to stay quiet and supportive as a way to keep relationships smooth. They might have grown up in households where expressing opinions or asserting themselves led to conflict, so they naturally take a gentler, more observant role.
Both roles come from a good place—fixers want to ease their partner’s stress, and listeners want to offer support. But when these styles clash, misunderstandings, frustration and resentment happen.
So, how do you find a balance?
Tips for Fixers & Listeners
If you are a fixer, pause and ask your partner, “Do you want advice, or do you just need me to listen?” This small step can prevent misunderstandings.
Whether you’re a fixer or a listener, give your partner your full attention, acknowledge their feelings, and resist the urge to interrupt.
If you are venting, be clear about what you need. Say, “I don’t need advice; I just need you to listen,” or “I would love your input, what do you think I should do?”
Sometimes, both fixing and listening are needed. Know when to switch roles. Start with empathy, then ease into solutions if your partner is open to it.
Appreciate each other’s strengths and recognize how their style complements yours. Fixers offer solutions, and listeners provide emotional support. Both are valuable in a relationship.
The key is understanding and adjusting to each other’s needs. When done right, fixers and listeners can make a great team.
What are you most of the time? A fixer or a listener?
About the Author:
Sonali is a relationship coach who shares insights from Psychology & Neuroplasticity to
help you optimize your daily life and your marriage/relationship. With the power of honest
communication, she helps you create intimate and meaningful relationships.
Using simple tools and insights, she guides her clients to break old patterns and show their
strengths, whether they are single, dating, or in a committed relationship, to create the love and
life they deserve.
She has written for ThriveGlobal, Marriage, Divorcemag & Medium.
Find her on:
Website: www.lovelifecoachxo.com
Podcast – https://podcasts.apple.com/ee/podcast/relationship-realities-exposing-the-
truths/id1746423589
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@sonalikukrejaXO
The post Are you married to a “Fixer” or a “Listener”? appeared first on WE magazine for women.