Sex Myths have been screwing me over way longer than I care to admit, and I’m sitting here on my couch in sweats at 11:47 p.m. in Brooklyn finally ready to spill it all.
Like, seriously. I’m 34, I’ve had my heart broken in three different area codes, and only in the last year did I realize half the crap I thought was “normal” in bed was total bullshit I picked up from movies, porn, and that one ex who quoted Cosmo like it was the Bible.
The “Everyone Comes at the Same Time” Sex Myths That Haunted Me for a Decade
I legitimately thought simultaneous orgasms were mandatory or you failed at Sex Myths. I’m not even kidding. I would be down there stressing, counting in my head like a psycho, completely checked out of my own body because I was terrified if we didn’t finish together he’d think I was broken.
One time—God, this is embarrassing—I literally faked it so hard I pulled a muscle in my thigh trying to time it perfectly. He high-fived me after. HIGH-FIVED ME. And I just lay there staring at my ceiling fan thinking, cool, I’m an Oscar winner and also dead inside.
Turns out (shocker) only about 20-30% of couples orgasm at the same time regularly. The rest of us are just out here doing the chaotic solo sprint and that’s fine. Actually that’s better than fine, it’s human.
The “Good Sex Myths Has to Last Forever” Lie That Made Me Miserable
I used to think if it was under 45 minutes we were doing something wrong. Sex Myths I’d be checking the clock on my phone under the pillow like a sociopath. Meanwhile my vag was sending SOS signals in Morse code.
Then I dated this guy who could go for, like, three minutes max and it was the best Sex Myths of my life because he actually paid attention to what I responded to instead of treating my body like a treadmill he had to set to “marathon.”
Mind. Blown.
The “You Have to Be Loud to Prove You’re Into It” Performance BS
I’m naturally pretty quiet in bed. Always have been. And for years I thought that made me boring or frigid. So I started… performing. Moaning like a bad porno because I read somewhere that guys need the audio feedback or they’ll feel insecure.
Newsflash: some dudes see that as a challenge and just hammer harder trying to “make” you scream. I ended up with a bruised cervix and a sore throat. 10/10 do not recommend.
Now? I make the sounds I actually make. Sometimes it’s just heavy breathing and the occasional “yes, right there” whispered like I’m telling a secret. And weirdly, the sex got infinitely better when I stopped acting.
The Biggest Sex Myth of Them All: That Great Sex Fixes a Shitty Relationship
I stayed in not one, but TWO dying relationships because the sex was fire. Like, nuclear. We’d be screaming at each other over dishes and five minutes later tearing clothes off. I told myself, “See? The connection is still there.”
Spoiler: hate-fucking is not the same as a healthy relationship. Shocker, I know.
Eventually the sex dried up too because resentment is the ultimate boner-killer. Who knew?
Anyway. If you’re sitting there nodding along, slightly horrified because some of this sounds familiar—same, babe. Same.
Here’s the tea I wish someone poured for me years ago:
- Talk like a damn adult (awkward silences now beat years of faking it later)
- Your body isn’t a puzzle he has to solve in one night; sometimes it takes months to figure out the buttons
- Lube is not an admission of failure, it’s self-care
- Orgasms are awesome but connection is the actual goal
- If you’re performing more than enjoying, something’s wrong
I’m still figuring this out. My current situationship just texted “u up?” at 1 a.m. and for the first time in forever I’m considering answering with actual honesty instead of the thirsty emoji. Progress? Maybe.
Look, I don’t have it all figured out. My love life still looks like a crime scene half the time. But at least now I know most of the blood is from these stupid sex myths I used to treat like gospel.
Your turn—what sex myth screwed you over the hardest? Drop it in the comments. Misery loves company, and honestly, so do I.
Outbound Link:
“The ‘Everyone Comes at the Same Time’ Sex Myth…”
“Then I dated this guy who could go for, like, three minutes max…”
