Why people hide their real desires from partners is literally keeping me up right now, 11:47 p.m. in my stupidly quiet apartment in Austin, Texas, and I’m just staring at the ceiling fan going round like it owes me money. Like, I love my partner. He’s asleep in the other room, snoring in that cute way that somehow still annoys me after three years. But there’s this whole-ass folder in my brain labeled “do not open in front of him” and it’s getting heavier.
That Time I Lied About Wanting Kids (Yeah, I Said It)
Two months ago we were at this dumb hipster brunch place in East Austin — you know, the kind with $18 avocado toast and waiters who look like they’re in an indie band — and out of nowhere he goes, “So… babies?” with that hopeful little smirk. My mouth said, “Maybe someday, babe,” while my brain screamed “ABORT MISSION” so loud I swear the girl at the next table looked up.
I hid my real desire that day because the truth is I’m 34 and still not sure I want the whole kid thing, and saying that out loud felt like dropping a grenade in the middle of our cute little life plan. So I smiled, changed the subject to whether the oat milk was locally sourced (kill me), and then cried in the Target bathroom twenty minutes later. Classic me.
The Porn Tab Incident of 2024 (Don’t Judge Me)
Okay, real talk — last week I was… researching… at 2 a.m. and he rolled over, half-asleep, and mumbled “whatcha watching?” I slammed that laptop shut so fast I nearly launched it across the room. Why people hide their real desires from partners 101: because explaining your niche kinks to someone who thinks “spicy” means extra hot sauce on tacos is a nightmare I’m not ready for.
Why We All Do This Shit (It’s Not Just Me, Right?)
Look, it boils down to three dumb things I’ve learned the hard way:
- Fear of looking like the “weird” one in the relationship
- Not wanting to hurt them (even when lying hurts worse later)
- Straight-up terror that if they see the unfiltered version of you, they’ll peace out
I read this study once — here’s the actual link so I don’t sound like I’m making shit up — that says something like 70% of people hide at least one major desire from their partner. Seventy. Percent. We’re all just walking around with these secret little landmines.
My Half-Assed Tips If You’re Also a Coward Like Me
- Start stupid small. I finally told him I hate the weird artisanal pickles he buys. World didn’t end. Progress.
- Use the “I feel” script so it doesn’t sound like an attack. Took me forever to learn that one.
- Sometimes write the truth in your notes app first. I’ve got like 47 unsent confessions in there. It’s… therapy? Kinda?
Anyway, I’m rambling. The fan’s still spinning, he’s still snoring, and tomorrow I’ll probably chicken out again about something else. Why people hide their real desires from partners isn’t some deep mystery — it’s because being fully known is scary as hell. But I’m working on it. Slowly. Painfully. One cringe confession at a time.
If you’re reading this and nodding like an idiot, do me a favor — tell your person one tiny truth this week. Just one. Then come back and tell me how it went. Or don’t. I’m not your mom.
