I’m sitting cross-legged on my couch in Austin right now—yes, the same sagging gray IKEA beast I swore I’d replace in 2021—and I can’t stop thinking about how I self-sabotage great relationships like it’s my full-time job. Like, legitimately perfect humans show up, hand me stability on a silver platter, and my brain goes “bet” and lights the whole thing on fire. It’s embarrassing. But here we are.
Last month I was dating this guy—let’s call him J—tall, stupidly kind, remembers how I take my coffee, texts good morning without being asked. Normal stuff that should make me feel safe, right? Wrong. Three months in, everything’s easy, and suddenly I’m picking fights about how he loads the dishwasher (apparently “wrong”). I ghosted for 48 hours because he used too many emojis in a row. Who does that? Me. I self-sabotage great relationship because the alternative—actually letting someone stay—feels like standing on the edge of a cliff in socks.
When “Too Good” Triggers Fight-or-Flight
Real talk: the moment someone proves they’re not gonna leave, my nervous system treats it like a threat. I grew up in a house where love came with chaos, so calm feels… counterfeit. Self-Sabotage Great Relationships My body literally doesn’t know what to do with consistent affection. So I manufacture drama. Classic moves in my self-sabotage toolkit:
- Suddenly deciding their laugh is annoying (it wasn’t two weeks ago)
- Flirting with chaos-exes at 2 a.m. “just to see”
- Starting a random argument about politics on date six because “testing boundaries”
- Convincing myself they’re secretly bored and doing them a favor by bailing first
I did all of the above with J. Sent him a six-paragraph text about how “we’re moving too fast” while literally sitting in his hoodie eating his leftover pad thai. The irony is not lost on me.
The Fear of Real Love Smells Like Target Candles and Regret
Here’s the part I hate admitting: I’m terrified that if I stop Self-Sabotage Great Relationships, I’ll finally get the love I want… and then discover I don’t deserve it. Or worse—that I’m boring without the chaos. So I push away good partners before they can figure that out. It’s preemptive rejection. It’s cowardice dressed up as “protecting my peace.”
Two weeks ago I ran into J at Whole Foods (of course). He smiled, asked how I was, no bitterness. Self-Sabotage Great Relationships And I felt it in my chest—like I’d thrown away something rare because I was too scared to hold it gently. I came home, cried into a $9 bottle of rosé, and wrote “STOP RUINING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS YOU COWARD” on a sticky note that’s currently staring at me from my laptop.
How I’m (Slowly) Trying to Stop the Self-Destruct Sequence
I’m in therapy—again. This round we’re working on the whole “love = danger” wiring. Some things that are actually helping (shocking):
- Naming the fear out loud the second I feel the urge to blow it up (“I’m freaking out because this feels safe and I don’t trust safe”)
- Texting my best friend “activate do-not-self-destruct protocol” instead of my ex
- Pausing before I send the breakup text and asking: “Am I solving a problem or running from a feeling?”
- Keeping a running note called “Proof this one is different” with screenshots of the little kindnesses (yes I’m that girl now)
It’s messy. I still flinch when someone says “I’m not going anywhere.” But I’m trying—actually trying—not to push away good partners the second they prove they’re real.
Look, if you’re reading this while stress-scrolling at 1 a.m. because you just manufactured a breakup with someone who did nothing wrong… you’re not broken. You’re just scared. And scared is fixable. One terrifying, honest day at a time.
Drop a comment if you’ve ever self-sabotaged a great relationship too—misery loves company, but healing loves it more. Let’s get less dumb together.
Outbound Link:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201802/56-why-people-self-sabotage-in-relationships Anchor: “Psychology Today broke it down better than I ever could”
- https://www.thecut.com/article/how-to-stop-self-sabotaging-relationships.html Anchor: “this piece on The Cut made me feel seen in the worst way”
- https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice Anchor: “Mark Manson’s no-BS take on why we subconsciously tank love”
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-relationships/ Anchor: “if you wanna go down the attachment-style rabbit hole like I did at 3 a.m. last week”
